Dating in Raleigh can be fun

Today we are continuing to explore best dating ideas for couples in and around Raleigh, NC. Last week we focused on Shelley Lake Park, which is a gorgeous and relaxing park with a beautiful lake located in North Raleigh. This is a great dating idea for couples who are leading an active lifestyle and want to do something more than just go to a brewery and have a drink. Not saying that there is something wrong with drinking at all, we love wine and beer and I am Russian, after all:)

Think outside of the box

This week I wanted to make sure we cover a dating idea that is not as common and is kinda “outside of the box.” However, it provides an amazing opportunity for a couple to spend quality time together and reconnect on a deeper level. Of, course, you read the title of this blog and know that I am talking about a couples workshop. But you probably have no idea what it means and what it entails exactly.

Let me explain. There are many different couples workshops, couples intensives, and couples retreats out there in the Raleigh, Wake Forest and general Triangle area. They all offer a similar opportunity for couples to attain a certain goal. For example, to feel more loved and accepted by your partner, to reconnect on a deeper level so that you move from being roommates to being love mates, or to just do something fun together and take your relationship to a different level instead of just painting together (hey paintnite fans), or drinking together, or watching a movie.

What is a couples workshop anyway?

Let me rewind a bit here. In April, my husband and I participated in a couples workshop in Durham called “In Shelter of Each Other.” Well, I sort of dragged my husband there to be more honest, but it doesn’t really matter. It was a two full-day workshop facilitated by four male therapists. Yep, you heard it right-and it was awesome. There were approximately 8 or so couples there, and it was a really great active group overall. We laughed, we cried, and we went deep!The workshop is based on two most prominent relationship modalities that has the best research behind them-Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy Modality developed by Dr. Sue Johnson (or EFT) and Gottman modality created by Dr. John Gottman.

If you know who I am, you know that I live and breath by EFT and successfully use this approach with all of my couples. Sue Johnson is like Madonna of love relationships. Even though my husband and I have done our individual EFT sessions a while back when I was first learning the EFT model, I still wanted to experience this weekend workshop because I felt there was more that I needed from it.

And boy, was I right.

Despite the fact that my mother told me the following:”Aren’t you an EFT therapist yourself? Why do you need to pay so much money to take it yourself? I just don’t get it..”Yes, mom, unfortunately you don’t. Sorry and thanks god you don’t speak English and can’t read my blog. I have always been a strong believer in not only “talking the talk”, but also “walking the walk.” How can I expect my clients to do something in therapy that I have not experienced myself? How do I even know how much to push and/or support if I don’t have personal experience doing it? How can I relate to their pain? I just can’t, that’s why this workshop was so important.My husband bitched a little bit about the workshop taking his whole weekend, but he changed his attitude after we were done.

Here is what he had shared with me: ”I had no idea that you just want me to “sit with the sadness” without doing anything or fixing your problem. I am a man, I am used to fixing shit, and when you tell me a problem you are struggling, now I know that all I have to do is listen to you, nod, and validate you.”

This is his biggest take away.

And I see it over and over again with my own couples. Most partners, especially male ones, do not know how to listen and validate their spouses without problem solving and making it about them. It’s a skill and it’s one of the most important ones for building emotional connection and attunement.

My biggest take away for the fact thatI had no idea how stressful my husband’s job is for him. He works as a pharmacy manager for a bog retail pharmacy and he is extremely overworked and stressed out all the time. I know that, and I have been trying to problem solve it for him by exploring other career opportunities. I even found him a career coach who is a promote pharmacist and professor himself, so that he can help him. The one thing I didn’t do is what I teach my couples: I did not listen and validate my husband, being the awesome EFT therapist that I am. I failed, and I did not even realize that. Until we did that one exercise that woke me up.

So, in conclusion, this date wasn’t one of those easy and laid back dates with your significant other when you relax, sip a glass of wine, and talk about weather to keep things cool. This was hard work, for sure. But it was absolutely worth it. We had an opportunity to do deep and learn more things about each other in a way that we didn’t know before. I opened up about some memories that I didn’t even know were there.

It was powerful, exhausting, and simply amazing!

I hope reading about my own experience of taking a couples workshop have helped you to understand what it is about better. If you have any questions, do not hesitate to give me a call at (703)347 3200 and schedule an appointment in my Wake Forest office here. If you are looking for help with your relationships or marriage, you can read more about how I can help here.

Please do not wait several years before you seek couples counseling. You deserve to be happy today!