Poor communication is one of the most common reasons couples seek marriage counseling Raleigh NC. And one of the things that significantly contributes to problems in our communication with others is our narratives.

What Are Narratives?

Narratives are messages that we internalize as children—things we believe and think we know about ourselves and our place in the world. They involve truths about ourselves, and others that we assume are true.

We often rely on limiting self-beliefs or making assumptions about other people's thoughts and intentions toward us without questioning whether our narratives are true or not and whether there is any evidence for what we believe to be true.

Most of us, even as adults, continue to live in the tales and narratives we've built based on our family and cultural background.

What are Some of the Most Common Narratives That Keep Us From Being Happy and Fulfilled?

We internalized some messages about our social-emotional surroundings. Then, we used them as if they were true, despite the fact that they are only our perceived or interpreted reality.

For example, I frequently hear one of the partners in marriage counseling Raleigh NC say something like, "I can't show him or her my weaknesses because they will know my soft spots, and they'll be able to hurt me if they want."

Also, we frequently feel that we are not enough (intelligent, good, attractive, worthy, etc.), so we believe that we should not complain. Men, in particular, may struggle with this narrative that complaining is not good and that they should be tough.

Most males were raised with macho standards and masculine stereotypes firmly in place. They were taught that vulnerability is a sign of weakness, so they learned to keep it to themselves and not complain.

In the same way, women are often told that they can't be angry or that expressing anger isn't appropriate for a woman to do.

As a result, even as mature women, many of us think we are not permitted to be furious, especially if we live in the south, where an angry woman is considered quite improper.

As a result, we keep things to ourselves, believing that we do not have permission to express how we truly feel.

So, on the inside, you may feel furious and frustrated. But, still, you are not allowing yourself to go there because you've learned from previous experiences that expressing yourself "is not a good thing."

Another narrative that I see a lot in marriage counseling Raleigh NC is where one partner feels like, "If we are not having sex, then we are not doing good."

We commonly use physical connection and sex to measure how we are doing emotionally and whether we are connected to our partner.

Recognizing Your Narratives

So, while some of these narratives or ideas may appear correct, and we tend to believe "this is how it is, this is reality," they are actually not helpful and, in most cases, are incorrect perceptions of reality.

They keep people from truly understanding each other and feeling connected.

Marriage counseling Raleigh NC can help identify your narratives, examine them, and understand how they are pushing you and your partner away from each other.

Emotionally focused therapy (EFT)-based couples counseling can be your safe ground to feel these narratives and to really feel the pain underneath these narratives. It can help you understand where they are coming from and help deconstruct every layer of them.

Narratives are very complex, multi-layered things. Couples counseling may help you dissect and untangle every layer of this issue so that you can experience it emotionally and express it with your spouse. Because a lot of the time, our partners are unaware of our stories because we don't feel safe enough to share them or lack the words or tools to discuss the pain that we all carry from our upbringing.

Emotionally focused therapy can help you unpack your narratives and false beliefs so you can focus on what matters most, which is the connection.

Summary

Internalized childhood narratives can significantly impact our adult relationships and overall well-being.

EFT-based marriage counseling Raleigh NC can be a wonderful place to start unpacking your narratives and understanding how these false assumptions affect your relationship.

I hope this was helpful. If you have any questions or would like to schedule an appointment in my Wake Forest or virtual office, do not hesitate to book your free 15 min phone consultation online by clicking here.