Sexuality is an integral part of our identity that forms through our early childhood experiences and continues across the lifespan. 

The way you grew up and the messages you’ve received about how good or bad sex is, the way your family talked about their body in front of you, your understanding of the purposes of having sex (procrastination vs. fun, etc.) all play a massive role in your sexual life today. 

Awareness and understanding of how your upbringing affects your today’s sex life are critical. 

The Nurturing Family

Upbringing in a safe and secure family environment sets the foundation for healthy sexual identity in adulthood. People who grew up in families where privacy was nurtured and respected, and questions about sex were openly answered in an age-appropriate manner usually developed in sexually healthy adults with a healthy sexual sense of self. 

These people can openly communicate their desires and needs around having sex, physically express the connection in ways that don’t always include sexual intercourse and resect others’ sexual boundaries. 

They appreciate their own bodies, enjoy their sexuality, and choose caring, responsible, and trustworthy partners. Sexually healthy adults allow themselves to be vulnerable, accept refusals of intimacy without being offended, and are comfortable with their sexual identity. 

Internalized Shame about Having Sex

The messages about sex you internalized during childhood can lead to less satisfying sex life in adulthood. 

As I often say to my clients in Wake Forest couples counseling, to create and keep up healthy intimacy in our relationships, we need to backtrack to our childhood and reflect on how our patterns of sexual behavior developed during socialization. 

Things about sex you learned and internalized during your upbringing affect the way you approach intimacy today. Also, the way in which your family used to show affection can shape your attitudes towards love and intimacy as an adult.  

Did your parents seem physically comfortable with each other, or were they cold and disconnected? Were they uncomfortable showing affection? Were they regularly showing physical affection to each other, you, and your siblings? Did your parents use physical means of discipline? Were they physically interacting with you in different ways? Was sexual curiosity encouraged, or your parents avoided sex subjects and created an environment where talking about sex was uncomfortable?

Answers to these and some other questions can give you valuable insight into how childhood shaped your sexual life. 

Those who grew up in families where parents avoided the subject of sex and not being openly affectionate with one another, and feeling uncomfortable around sex topics, were more likely to internalize shame about sex and intimacy, causing sexual problems in adult life. 

When we work on sex issues in marriage counseling in Raleigh, NC, my clients often unpack their upbringing in a family with the negative sex attitudes where sex topic was avoided or where non marital sexual relationships were treated as immoral and wrong.

Such attitudes typically become internalized, causing shame about sexuality. 

Childhood Trauma

In my practice as a couples therapist in Raleigh, NC, I have worked with people who grew up in an abusive family environment characterized by inappropriate sexual contact between family members (usually a parent and a child). 

Whether the sexual abuse happened only once or it lasted over an extended period, childhood trauma can cause long-term damage that hinders the ability to engage in healthy sexual relationships as an adult. 

Sexual abuse in childhood can cause various intimacy issues, such as lack of desire and fear of intimacy, inability to achieve orgasm, premature ejaculation in men, and promiscuity. Also, childhood trauma often triggers significant psychological distress like anxiety, depression, PTSD, substance abuse, behavioral issues, relationship difficulties, and so forth.  

Sexual trauma in childhood can trigger struggles with intimate relationships and sexuality. It can cause you to perceive sex life as empty, unpleasant, and worthless, affecting your relationship with your own body, intimacy, and relationships. 

Overcoming childhood trauma (whether it is sexual abuse, neglect, exposure to abusive behavior between parents, etc.) requires time and effort, but it is possible. Professional counseling can be a safe environment to address and unpack your upbringing trauma and work through your sex issues. 

Couples counseling for individuals in Wake Forest can help you feel safe, overcome shame, despair, sexual aversion, dysfunction, or compulsion, and redefine your sexuality.

If you have any questions or would like to schedule an appointment in my Wake Forest or virtual office, do not hesitate to call me at (703)-347-3200 for your free of charge 15-min phone consultation. 

You can also book your free 15 min phone consultation online by clicking here https://www.irinabaechlecounselingllc.com/book-a-consult