Relationship Myth # 2: “Lack of Passion Means Lack of Love”

One of the most powerful and misleading misconceptions I hear from couples who come for marriage counseling in Wake Forest, NC is one about passion and love. Couples who don’t feel as passionate about each other as they were at the beginning of their relationship often think that they fell out of love and probably need to divorce.

However, the experience of falling in love is always a totally temporary thing. Why?

Check this out:

Dr. Scott Peck, a psychiatrist, and bestselling author says, “falling in love is a trick pull on our otherwise conscious mind to hoodwink or trap us into marriage. Frequently the trick goes away one way or another because the experience of falling in love is invariably temporary. No matter whom we fall in love with, we sooner or later fall out of love if the relationship continues long enough. This is not to say that we invariably cease loving the person with whom we fell in love. But it is to say that the feeling of ecstatic lovingness that characterizes the experience of falling in love always passes. The honeymoon always ends. The bloom of romance always fades, and that is the time when real love begins.”

So, what should we do when the honeymoon ends?

Research it the United States and Europe that followed 1,761 people who stayed married for 15 years showed that the significant happiness increase in newlyweds lasts, on average, only two years. After that, the special feeling of happiness boost weakens.

When the love is fresh and new, we experience a state of great happiness and intense attraction, desire, and longing. These feelings, however, sooner or later transform into a less passionate mixture of connection and profound affection.

The good news is that passion doesn’t necessarily wear off for good in long-term relationships. Now that you feel deeply connected with your partner, you just need to find ways to rekindle the intimacy and keep the passionate spark alive.

Do you feel trapped in a roommate marriage?

Like many other couples in long-lasting relationships, you may experience a confusing detachment from your partner at some point. You still feel closeness, friendship, and love. However, you also feel that your relationship somehow has lost the balance and slipped into something like a roommate marriage.

You often feel lonely and emotionally disconnected in your relationship. There is a mutual indifference that settled down between the two of you that you don’t know how to overcome. Sometimes, you catch yourself longing for those days from the beginning of your relationship when you used to engage in fiery fights and arguments (and passionately settle your differences afterward).

You show affection only on rare occasions and ignore each other’s bids for emotional connection. So, the feeling of emotional distance and resentment starts building up washing away everything that made you fell in love with each other in the first place.

Don’t wait until your relationship gets to this point, though!

You don’t want to wait until the “empty nest” stage to start rebuilding the intimacy in your relationship. You want to feel happy and content in your marriage right now. You are just too confused about how to address the problems.

You may love your partner deeply and be totally committed to your relationship and yet don’t feel long-term passion. Yes, this is true. Because long-term feelings of deep love and emotional connection don’t necessarily translate into lasting passion. Research shows that women are more likely than men to lose interest in sex. In addition, they tend to lose interest in intimacy earlier in the relationship than their male partners. The reason is simple: the key to women’s idea of passionate sex is a novelty.

So, after a few years of marriage, many couples mistake the natural shift from a passionate relationship into a less passionate blend of connection and deep affection for incompatibility and lack of love. Some feel stuck in a roommate marriage. Some always think that the “grass is greener on the other side” and start looking for passion somewhere else, not even giving the marriage a chance to restore.

You still love your partner. How to rekindle passion?

Talk. Open up. Be dependent. I know, we live in a culture where self-actualization is highly valued and people generally consider dependence a bad thing. However, you and your partner need to learn how to be completely emotionally vulnerable with each other in your conversations if you want to resume passion. So, instead of screaming, “I hate you” in the middle of the fight, try saying something like, “I am sad when you don’t want to talk to me”. The honesty will enhance your communication and mutual understanding. And the only way to accomplish this is to learn how to be open, vulnerable, and dependent on your partner.

Summary

A lot of couples mistakenly believe that lack of passion in a relationship means a lack of love. We need to understand that each relationship is a process that evolves and changes over time. more importantly, we need to learn that relationships require an ongoing, hard work.

If you want to start working on rekindling the passion in your relationship or have any questions, do not hesitate to call at (703)-347-3200 for your free of charge 15-min consultation and/or to schedule an appointment in my Wake Forest office or online.