Although we know that a perfect relationship does not exist, many of us expect our marriages to run smoothly forever. However, healthy relationships need ongoing effort and commitment. Some of my clients in couples therapy in Wake Forest say they consider marriage their most important investment. So, they feel tremendously disappointed and hurt after waking up one day and realizing that they have lost connection with their partner. 

Relationships change over time.

People change.

So, it should not be a surprise if you start feeling that you and your partner have grown apart at some point. 

Sometimes we set unreasonably high standards or enter a relationship with unrealistic expectations. So, we feel disappointed when these are not met. We may start struggling with commitment issues. Or keep missing our partner’s bids for connection.  Or engage in an affair. These relationship problems can cause communication problems, conflicts, and emotional disconnection, causing you to start feeling lonely and isolated in your marriage. 

Lack of Passion in a Relationship: Is it Possible to be Married but Lonely?

Most of us believe that once married; we will not have to experience loneliness ever again. 

However, in my couples therapy in Wake Forest, I have seen many couples who have become distant and disconnected. They usually complain of lack of passion in a relationship, and say that although married, they feel utterly alone. 

Many people feel that they have reached the point in their relationship when there is no possibility to be happy with their partner.

Maybe you survived an affair and don’t know when to walk away after infidelity. You don’t want to be married anymore but don’t want to be divorced either. 

Shame and Decision Making in a Relationship: Can Marriage Counseling Help?

As a couples therapist, I often hear about the shame people feel when they think of divorce. During our marriage counseling in Wake Forest, many people unpack the feelings of shame that hinder their relationship decision-making.  When they have to disclose to others that they are not happy in their relationships, they experience profound humiliation and shame. 

Our cultural background and personal conditioning to the term ‘divorce’ may strongly affect our decision to end or stay in an unhealthy relationship.

Many who come to marriage counseling in Raleigh experience such feelings because of beliefs and values they internalized during their growing up. 

For instance, if you were raised in a family where divorce and separation were considered a sign of personal failure, wrongdoing, or even a sin, you will most likely experience profound shame even thinking about the possibility of ending your marriage. You might feel as if you failed because you could not save your marriage. You may feel guilty about disappointing your children or your parents or feel that you have betrayed your spiritual beliefs and values.

Overcoming Shame: Where to Begin?

We all make mistakes in our relationships and feel at times that we could have done a lot better. Some couples manage to overcome challenges, rekindle closeness, and find happiness again. Some decide to part ways and move on. 

For most people, separation is a harrowing experience. The loss of a significant relationship can cause anxiety, grief, guilt, shame, and depression. It can lead to self-esteem and trust issues. 

However, some strategies can help you end your marriage and separate with respect, empathy, and kindness, not feeling worn-out by the experience. 

1. Have an Honest Conversation with Yourself

Thinking about divorce may cause you to feel unsafe in the world, unable to trust people ever again. 

Having an honest conversation with yourself means identifying and addressing your feelings. Mindfully observe your emotions and thinking patterns.

Many people in Wake Forest marriage counseling beat themselves up by pondering what they have done to generate the divorce. Such self-judgmental thoughts often negatively affect their mental health and other relationships.  

Having an honest conversation with yourself will allow for vulnerability and help you understand the toxic patterns you used in your relationship. It should help make amends to yourself and your partner and feel empowered to move on.

2. You are Not Alone: Ask for Help

If you feel that you cannot cope with your decisions alone, seek help from a licensed couples therapist. When two people choose to separate, whether temporary or for good, couples therapy can help address the differences and challenges in a confidential and supporting environment. A marriage counselor can help you make agreements around fundamental questions such as kids, finances, etc., and help you separate consciously. 

3. Give Yourself Time

Don’t pressure yourself into making decisions here and now. Allow yourself time to think through your options, evaluate your feelings, and set healthy boundaries. Give yourself the compassion you would offer to a dear friend. Self-compassion can help quiet your inner critic that triggers anxiety, stress, and depression. It can inspire your personal growth and leads to higher self-appreciation. 

Summary

Overcoming shame around divorce can guide you through a painful separation process, helping you address your feelings, break the unhealthy patterns, and move on.

If you have any questions or would like to schedule an appointment in my Wake Forest or virtual office, do not hesitate to call me at (703)-347-3200 for your free of charge 15-min phone consultation. 

You can also book your free 15 min phone consultation online by clicking here: https://www.irinabaechlecounselingllc.com/book-a-consult