Is It Okay to Disagree in Front of My Children?

This is something that comes up a lot in my sessions in marriage counseling Wake Forest NC. Most couples feel very concerned about openly disagreeing in front of their children. They are afraid that they will somehow traumatize their kids for life and want to avoid that.

However, arguing, conflicts, and disagreements are common in marriage. And by arguing and disagreeing, I mean not screaming profanities and verbally berating each other, but engaging in normal disagreements where voices can be raised a little bit, and there is a back-and-forth dialogue while you are trying to figure out what is happening.

How can two adults who have had different upbringings, different parents, and different cultural influences always see eye to eye? That is simply not possible.

However, as parents, most of us work very hard to maintain that phony image because we want our children to see and remember us as a happy family.

Then our children grow up with these false beliefs, not understanding that conflicts and disagreements are normal. That it is okay to be angry and disappointed. It is okay to go to sleep angry and not resolve anything.

Instead, they feel like there is something wrong and there is something that needs to be fixed or done. They can't tolerate the distress of not being okay. And that is the problem that leads to dysfunction later on.

Should We Disagree in Front of Children?

Most couples who avoid conflicts and disagreements in front of their children come from families where the parents never argued or only argued behind closed doors. Or they grew up listening to their parents yelling at each other and never really talking.

So, if we don't teach our children how to observe and manage their feelings, talk, and resolve conflicts in a healthy way, this is what might happen.

Children who do not learn these skills will not be able to listen to their true selves, understand others, or resolve conflicts as adults. Instead, they may become reactive, lash out or withdraw in conflict situations. Or they may avoid conflicts and become people-pleasers.

How to Argue in Front of Children?

Kids are in tune with their parents' feelings, so they can sense a change in mood, their parents' stress, and a negative atmosphere in the home, even as babies.

For example, if you are upset and crying, your infant will likely start crying too.

Children have an innate need to feel safe and protected, so they perceive raised voices, aggression, and yelling as a lack of safety. This increases their stress hormone levels, causing the child to experience discomfort and uneasiness.

Suppose there is a constant or frequent feeling of insecurity and danger for the child. In that case, they may be constantly stressed out, causing sleep problems, irritability, tantrums, separation anxiety, and other mental health and behavioral issues.

So, avoid yelling and verbal aggression in front of your children at all costs.

Instead, turn your disagreements into teaching opportunities for your children. If you have difficulties, marriage counseling Wake Forest NC can be a safe place for you to practice your communication skills and learn how to treat each other with warmth and empathy even when you have disagreements.

Help your children understand that conflicts in relationships are healthy and necessary because they help us clarify things, learn, and grow. You can do this by being good role models and having constructive disagreements.

Show them how to deal with anger and other unpleasant emotions by setting healthy boundaries and standing up for yourself confidently and assertively.

Also, in arguments, use "I" statements to express yourself rather than accuse your partner of their actions and behavior.

Marriage counseling Wake Forest NC can help you recognize and address unhealthy patterns in your relationship and learn how to overcome them.

Summary

Disagreements and conflicts are an unavoidable part of our relationships. However, they can assist us in overcoming obstacles, progressing, and growing as individuals and couples. Instead of avoiding arguments in front of your children, try having healthy disagreements in which you respect each other, keep your emotions in check, and follow up with a conflict resolution plan.

This way, you can help your kids understand that conflicts should not be avoided but dealt with in a healthy and constructive way instead.

I hope this was helpful. If you have any questions or would like to schedule an appointment in my Wake Forest or virtual office, do not hesitate to book your free 15-minute phone consultation online by clicking here.