When You Can’t Stop Competing with Your Spouse

Competition in marriage is something that comes up a lot in my marriage counseling sessions in Raleigh, NC. Martial competition is something most of us experience, whether we are willing to admit it or not. Unfortunately, it is also something that can hinder your relationship success and create distance between you and your partner. It also makes it hard to feel secure and confident in your marriage. 

Marriage counseling Raleigh NC can be a safe place to debunk your martial competition and start working towards mutual understanding and paying attention to one another’s needs. 

What Causes Competition in Marriage?

Competition in relationships usually results from our insecurity. For example, suppose you feel you have to out-do your spouse in everything, from parenting to income or career. In that case, you might feel insecure about your own skills, abilities, or importance. 

Competition in marriage can cause you to feel as though ‘you are not enough’ – not smart enough, not skilled enough, not attractive enough, or else.

But why do we compete with the person that is (or at least it is supposed to be) the closest to us?

Well, most of us are high-achievers. So, you are a high-achieving, successful individual professionally. And you end up marrying someone very similar. So, you are now in a marriage where both of you are working so hard and feeling kind of deprived at the end of the day. It’s almost like you are competing whose day was harder and who needs more attention and support.

Marriage counseling can help you understand that we often come from this place of lack, tiredness, and fatigue that awakens our core wounds, dissatisfaction, and frustrations, causing us to behave competitively in the marriage. 

If you are constantly feeling exhausted and depleted, you cannot feel enough and be present for your spouse. 

If you find yourself in a competitive marriage where you are paying attention only to your feelings and repeating this competitive dance with your romantic partner, try a couple of things that I recommend to my clients in couples counseling in Raleigh, NC. 

1. Learn to Listen 

Good listening skills are the backbone of a successful relationship. Marriage counseling sessions can help you polish your listening skills and learn how to really listen. Unfortunately, we all feel like we know how to listen and don’t think our communication skills need improvement.

However, underneath, we are just trying to figure out what to say in our response – that is, we are just listening to respond and not really hearing our partners. 

In marriage counseling sessions, you can learn how to put yourself out there, tabling your feelings and narrative and just paying attention to each other. Active listening means showing that you are listening and giving one another undivided attention at a time.

When you are an active listener, you acknowledge the message your partner is sending and provide feedback, and put off the judgment.

Such communication would be constructive and improving.  

2. Take Turns 

Another tip that I give my clients in marriage counseling Raleigh NC is to take attention turns. Namely, it would be helpful if you and your partner developed a system where you take turns. For example, one day, your partner can have an opportunity to talk about their day and their challenges. This means allowing your partner space to process their experience, complain, and vent. 

The next day you can take a turn and ask for attention. When it is your turn, your partner doesn’t make it about themselves but listens and reflects on what you are saying, allowing you to process and make sense of things. 

Complaining and venting to your partner can help get validation and feel heard, seen, and supported. In addition, when you and your partner are just reflecting on what you are hearing, you will feel more connected and secure. 

Summary

After an exhausting day at work, all we want is to have someone hold us, see us, hear us, and tell us everything is going to be okay. But our partners often need the same things too. 

Being present for one another is the key to overcoming a competitive mode in your relationship. 

It can be challenging to take that hard-working, go-getter kind of a hat at the end of the day and accept that our partner might have had a hard day too. 

But learning how to really listen to each other and developing some sort of a system that would work for you as a couple might help if you find yourself in a competitive mode.

I hope this information was helpful. If you have any questions or would like to schedule an appointment in my Wake Forest or virtual office, do not hesitate to schedule your free of charge 15-min phone consultation by clicking here.