When You Don’t Want to Be Married but Don’t Want to Be Divorced - The Space in Between
If your marriage is in crisis, you may face a dilemma whether to stay married or just let it go. In my marriage counseling practice in Raleigh, I have met many couples standing in front of this dilemma.
Some of my clients want to stay married and come for marriage counseling to rekindle their connection. Others come to couples therapy in Wake Forest to find answers to their dilemma should they remain married or not.
Should I Stay or Should I Go: The Approach-Avoidance Conflict
The dilemma of whether to stay in a marriage that brings no joy or leave when you don’t want to be divorced is an interpersonal conflict in psychology known as approach-avoidance conflict meaning that the available alternatives attract and reject you at the same time.
There are many things to think about when you feel trapped in the space between being married and divorced.
What do I really want?
Do I want to stay?
What are my boundaries?
Can I forgive if there is an attachment injury?
How will my decision affect others?
Do I still love my spouse?
What if I make a mistake (whatever I decide)?
How long have I been thinking about divorce?
Marriage counseling can be a secure environment to search for answers to these fundamental questions. Your decision to divorce will affect your children and many other people that are close to you. It is one of the most important decisions you’ll have to make, often with far-reaching consequences.
On the other hand, a decision to stay married while feeling betrayed or abandoned after a breach of trust can take a toll on your relationship and emotional well-being long-term.
How Prepared Are You for Divorce?
My experience as a couples therapist in Wake Forest, North Carolina has helped many couples through relationship problems. It is very common that most people are not ready for divorce when they begin the separation process. Many couples tend to rush this decision before they have had time to evaluate their feelings and options.
The lack of readiness for divorce often causes couples to end their marriage prematurely and with a significant amount of animosity between them. Such high-conflict separations can be a traumatic experience for both partners and their kids (if they have any).
Whether you have been trapped in roommate marriage or you are going through the aftermath of infidelity, the decision to finish a long-lasting relationship requires thoughtfulness. You need to give your thoughts of divorce much greater attention than it is usually given by the two people who decide to separate ways.
Once a couple is prepared for divorce, they will be able to end their relationship on good terms and avoid or minimize stress during this process.
When to Walk Away After Infidelity?
Many people start their couples therapy in Wake Forest after a significant attachment injury such as an affair. Once you discover that your spouse has cheated on you, you will probably want to get out of a marriage as soon as possible. To get it over and done with and move on with your life.
Naturally, you want to get your divorce as quickly as possible after infidelity. Your family and friends may encourage such a decision. However, walking away from a cheating husband or wife is easier said than done. You may still love your partner. You may be unsure whether you should stay married for the sake of children.
There are some essential questions to answer before you decide when to walk away after infidelity.
Is my partner remorseful about their infidelity?
Are they willing to openly discuss the affair?
Is my spouse still keeping in touch with the person they cheated with?
Is my spouse ready to go to marriage therapy?
Do I have a desire to stay?
Will I be able to forgive him or her?
A couples therapist can help you find answers to these questions and make the right decisions.
When deciding whether to walk away or stay married after infidelity, it is important to think of doing what feels right to you, not allowing others to choose for you. Infidelity in marriage is one of the biggest challenges your relationship will ever go through, so you should let yourself time to decide how you want to proceed.
A marriage retreat in NC can be a safe place for you and your partner to start rebuilding trust or part ways on friendly terms.
Summary
Sometimes it’s a lack of passion in relationships, communication issues, lack of commitment, or unsolved issues from our past that cause marriage anxiety. Sometimes it is a severe attachment wound where you don’t know if you can trust your partner again.
Opening up about your distress to a trained couples counselor can bring a sense of relief and hope. Couples counseling can help you work through your emotions and feel more confident in your decisions.
If you have any questions or would like to schedule an appointment in my Wake Forest or virtual office, do not hesitate to call me at (703)-347-3200 for your free of charge 15-min phone consultation.
You can also book your free 15 min phone consultation online by clicking here https://www.irinabaechlecounselingllc.com/book-a-consult
