When You Don’t Want to be Married, but You Don’t Want to be Divorced

The separation process is never easy. Whether you have decided to leave a toxic marriage or you and your spouse struggle with a lack of passion in a relationship and feel like roomies instead of lovers, a decision to turn your back on your marriage is likely one of the hardest you’ll ever have to make. 

Divorcing couples who come to couples therapy in Wake Forest often struggle to adjust their expectations to the new reality. 

Marriage counseling is a sheltered environment where those facing a difficult dilemma whether to end their marriage or not can work through their issues, weigh their options, and adjust expectations from the future.

Many people come to marriage counseling in Raleigh in profound denial about their divorce, having a false expectation that they can work things out and would never get a divorce. The reality is that every couple could end up divorced. 

Maybe your spouse believes your marriage is not worth putting in the effort to make things work. Or you may find that you no longer want to be married yourself. Maybe you don’t see your future together, but you don’t want to be divorced either.

A marriage retreat in NC can be the best place to unpack your divorce anxiety and find a solution other than separation. However, if divorce is unavoidable, a couples therapist can help find the least harmful way to end your marriage, create co-parenting arrangements, and make a separation as painless as possible for everyone involved.  

Once faced with the dilemma you should stay married or divorce, you need to take some steps to help you adjust your expectations to a new reality and move on.

Take Time to Work through Your Emotions

Marriage counseling can help debunk your emotions, past traumas, and other issues contributing to marriage problems. 

A couples counselor can help you understand that it is all right to feel confused, depressed, and angry during the separation process. Trying to suppress your emotions or mask them with a cheerful attitude can damage your coping mechanisms and impair your health.

Mindfulness meditation can be an excellent tool to help you recognize and acknowledge your feelings and understand that they don’t define you. 

Put Self-Care First

Divorce is a painful process that might drain all of your energy. So, you must put self-care first during this period. Ensure to keep up with the habits that help you feel better. Start a new hobby, exercise regularly, get enough sleep, practice mindfulness and gratitude and work on self-respect and self-compassion. These simple self-help strategies can help improve self-esteem and boost optimism. 

Set Clear Boundaries

Set personal boundaries and let your ex know what you will tolerate and what you want. Setting boundaries can help you protect yourself from any manipulation or abuse. Also, boundaries can protect your self-esteem, boost assertiveness, prevent self-doubt and shame and allow for self-forgiveness and forgiveness.

Get Clear About Your Needs

When the reality of divorce becomes tangible, you need to reflect on your needs. Think about your deepest needs and desires, and brood over possible ways to meet them outside of the relationship. For example, if you highly value other people’s undivided attention and quality time spent together, you may fulfill this need by intentionally creating a circle of friends. Spending time with close friends who pay attention to your needs, listen, and support you can satisfy your need for social contact outside a relationship. 

Aside from enjoying the company of your friends and family, you can turn to them as a support network when you need to talk about your feelings.

Seek Couples Counseling for One

Couples counseling is a great option when one of the partners doesn’t want to attend counseling. Working one-on-one with a marriage therapist can teach you practical skill sets to help you work on your issues and move forward. You can learn constructive ways to sort out conflicts post-divorce, let go of resentment, adjust expectations from the past, and open up for new opportunities.

Summary

Whether it is communication issues, lack of passion in relationships, lack of commitment, attachment wounds, or unsolved matters from our past, sometimes the resolution to marriage problems lies in divorce. 

Opening up about your distress to a trained couples counselor can bring a sense of relief and hope. Marriage therapy can help you work through your emotions and feel more confident in your decisions.

If you have any questions or would like to schedule an appointment in my Wake Forest or virtual office, do not hesitate to call me at (703)-347-3200 for your free of charge 15-min phone consultation. You can also book your free 15 min phone consultation online by clicking here https://www.irinabaechlecounselingllc.com/book-a-consult