Your Parting Words: How to Break the News about the Divorce to Children
Breaking the news about the divorce to your children is probably one of the most painful conversations you’ll ever carry out. However, it is necessary to let your kids know if you have decided to separate or divorce before they hear it at school or grandma’s.
A divorce or separation is a highly stressful life event that affects not only the divorcing couple but their children too. As a couples therapist in Raleigh, NC, I understand that being a child of divorced parents can have short-term and long-term consequences. However, how you will communicate the news about separation to your kids may affect their mental health and determine how they approach romantic relationships in adulthood.
They may feel lost and rejected and experience fear of abandonment. If not communicated properly, your divorce may cause children to carry this fear of rejection over to their adulthood, becoming demanding, insecure, or anxious in their adult relationship.
If the experience of parents’ divorce remains as a vague and overwhelming memory, your children may become wary, constantly questioning their partner’s feelings and having other trust issues.
Many of my clients in couples therapy in Wake Forest have trust issues caused by their parent’s divorce in childhood and their misinterpretation of the whole experience because parents didn’t communicate what is happening or what they can expect in the future.
When you decide to divorce, discuss with your partner when, where, and how you will inform them about what is going on.
Work Out Together How You Will Say It
While you and your spouse may be going through a hostile separation, it is essential to break the news about the divorce together, letting your children know that you will be devoted to cooperating as their parents. So, gather your children together and let them know what is going on. If you don’t know how to break the divorce news, seek support in preparing this difficult conversation.
Marriage counseling in Raleigh can be a great place to brainstorm possible approaches and find ways to be on the same page when informing your children about the divorce.
2. Reassure Your Kids that the Divorce is Not Their Fault
Kids of divorced parents often struggle with insecurity, low self-esteem, and trust issues, questioning everything. Even as adults, they need to be reassured that they are loved and appreciated. They may become insecure when it comes to attachment and be overwhelming and demanding to their partners, always seeking confirmation that their partner won’t leave them.
Reassurance is key to your child’s well-being and emotional stability post-divorce. When not openly informed about what is going on, kids may blame themselves for their parent’s divorce. Also, they may feel the pressure of not stopping or preventing their parent’s separation. So, your children will need a lot of reassurance that the divorce or separation is not their fault.
When talking about plans for the future, don’t give promises you won’t be able to keep. Reassure them instead that this life transition may take all of you a while to adjust but that you will eventually be okay.
3. Be Open for Their Questions
Your kids may have many questions about your divorce and the future. Try answering them as honestly as possible, without a blaming narrative. Avoid giving too many details, especially if one of you has decided to walk away after infidelity. It is much more important than your kids feel supported and reassured.
Some kids may not want to talk about what is going on right away, which is okay. Give your children time to adjust to the news, letting them know that you are there for them when they are ready to talk.
4. Provide the Practical Post-Divorce Details
Kids need to be reassured that they will maintain a relationship with both parents after the separation or divorce. So, let your children know which parent will leave home, how often they will be spending time with him or her, how you will handle co-parenting, and similar details. The more they know, the better, as accurate information provides a sense of security and safety.
5. Accept Their Reactions
Children can react differently to news about divorce, whether they’ve seen it coming or not. Most children will understand that their parent’s divorce means their lives and day-to-day routine will inevitably change.
Some children will react with tears, anger, and hostility, while others may shut down and show no reaction. Adolescents may engage in risky behaviors. Try to understand their possible reactions and reassure them that everyone in the family will eventually adjust to changes and move on.
Summary
Breaking news about the divorce of your children may be the most challenging part of the separation process. Opening up about your distress to a trained couples counselor can bring a sense of relief and hope and empower you to talk to your children calmly and honestly.
If you have any questions or would like to schedule an appointment in my Wake Forest or virtual office, do not hesitate to call me at (703)-347-3200 for your free of charge 15-min phone consultation. You can also book your free 15 min phone consultation online by clicking here.
