Marriage Counseling: Why Marriage is So Darn Hard?

I love helping couples rekindle their connection and start building a mutually satisfying relationship in my marriage counseling practice. I often work with couples who feel disconnected and unhappy. Many of my clients think that they are having a hard time communicating with each other or that they are just coexisting. 

They feel stuck in their roommate life instead of feeling really connected, happy, and fulfilled in their relationship and life in general. 

One question, in particular, comes a lot in marriage counseling Raleigh NC sessions: Why modern American marriage is so hard? 

People are often confused, asking shouldn’t marriage be so much easier? Shouldn’t it feel more natural and spontaneous?

Well, the honest answer to this question is that marriages are complicated. Marriage is not supposed to be easy – each marriage is a lot of hard work. 

How Shifting a Perspective about Authentic Self Can Improve Your Marriage

In my marriage counseling practice, I often hear my clients saying things like, “I just want to be my authentic self with my partner; I just want to be myself.”

Many people believe that the perfect relationship is one where they don’t have to pretend or develop new skills and learn how to communicate, listen, or resolve conflicts. Instead, they feel their partners need to accept them as they are, not wanting to give up on their authenticity. 

However, the news is that, unless we have done a lot of personal inner work, our authentic self is probably not that great. We all share a common human experience of imperfection and faultiness. So, changing your paradigm about your authentic self can improve your relationship with yourself and with your partner. 

How Expectations Can Be Detrimental to Your Marriage Happiness

Our expectations are often just resentments waiting to happen. Most of us enter our relationships loaded with unrealistic expectations – about what our relationships should look like or what we should get from our partners. We pick them up during our growing up, from our friends, books, television, movies, and social media. 

These false beliefs and expectations can sabotage our relationships, creating misunderstanding, resentment, and emotional detachment. 

When our partners fail to meet these expectations, we tend to feel anxiety, disappointment, and sadness, judging them and feeling stuck in an unhappy marriage. 

Therefore, changing your expectations about what marriage entails can help you better understand your partner from the empathy place instead of from the place of judgment, anger, and frustration. 

Once we find ourselves in resistance, we start believing that our life is not as it should be. Feeling that you are not where you should be can cause you to fight with yourself and your partner constantly. However, the fight is exhausting and doesn’t lead to anything good.

Don’t let the differences between you and your partner become obstacles in your relationship. Instead, accept your dissimilarities without judgment and turn them into growth opportunities. Mutual acceptance can help you feel safe to work on your authentic self and grow.

Don’t take your partner for granted but regularly remind yourself how much they contribute to your relationship. Don’t hold them accountable for your own happiness. This is a common unrealistic expectation many of us have – that our partners are responsible for our happiness. 

We tend to enter our relationships with expectations about what we will get from our partners. And when your partner doesn’t give you what you expect, resentment and contempt start settling in, slowly but surely damaging your relationship. 

Try practicing a gratitude exercise together every day instead. Counting your blessings can boost your optimism, increase happiness, and strengthen your bond with your partner.

Marriage counseling Raleigh NC can help you distinguish your expectations from reality. A skilled couples therapist can help you accept the reality of your marriage because no relationship is perfect. Such insights can help overcome the resistance and dissatisfaction you may feel.

Summary

Marriage counseling can be a safe place to explore the paradigm of your authentic self and your expectations about relationships. 

A couples counselor can help you explore where these beliefs originate and how your false beliefs interfere with your relationship. 

I hope this information was helpful. If you have any questions or would like to schedule an appointment in my Wake Forest or virtual office, do not hesitate to schedule your free of charge 15-min phone consultation by clicking here.